Post Song: Secrets by OneRepublic

My weight is something I talk about with absolutely no one. I am not sensitive about my weight, so I don’t believe it is a subject that I have to tiptoe around, but it jsut never comes up in serious conversations with me. The fact of the matter is I am fat and it is unhealthy. Let me give you a breakdown of where I’m at in my life.

At 21 years old, 5’2″, I weigh 200 lbs. I have a normal cholesterol and low blood pressure.

The most I have ever weighed in my life was 207 pounds after encountering all-you-can-eat buffets during my first trip to Las Vegas. I never want to see 207 again.

I am not going to lie, my weight does mess with my self esteem. Often times I don’t think I am deserving of certain things in life and my weight does hold me back. My boyfriend is currently 145 pounds. When I stand next to him, its like an elephant next to a giraffe. Perhaps I’m exaggerating, but you get where I am going with that image. I feel uncomfortable standing next to my boyfriend.

Because I am physically bigger than him, we can’t do the cute couple things that I have always wanted to do. I can’t piggyback ride him. He can’t lift or carry me at all. I can’t sit or lie down on him without it being an uncomfortable experience for him and an embarrassing experience for me. I can’t wear his clothes. Lastly, I hate taking pictures with him because I look so bad.

And before anyone rages, no he is not pressuring me to lose weight. He truly loves my body. He calls me “short and cute.” As for him, he has always been the runt of his family, physically smaller in weight and stature than his family members. They look more like me. However, he is trying to bulk up and gain weight. If I lose weight, we can meet each other half way.

From a purely scientific standpoint, my BMI is 36. I am about 50 pounds overweight.

I have a goal set for May 2014. That is the month I will be graduating from college with a bachelor’s degree in Communication. It is also the month that I want to be down to 140 pounds.

I have six months to lose 60 pounds. Thats about 2.5 pounds per week. I will do it. I and fucking determined to. Or at least I’ll die trying.