This week’s collaboration is (in my opinion) the most embarrassing yet. The prompt was to go through old writings (diaries, journals, poems, attempted song lyrics, etc.) and share them. Here. On the internet. Where it will be forever immortalized.

Fuck.

As an adolescent, I fancied myself as a clever writing machine. Emotions cascaded out of my soul and manufactured themselves into words that flowed onto the page. I wish I could say that I never shared these musings with anyone, but I wanted fame and glory. I fucking put that shit up on Facebook, back when Notes was popular. Well. Some of this stuff. So, prepare to be amused and horrified. Believe me, that’s an interesting combination of emotions.

Journal 1 on June 23, 2005

Question: What are things that matter most to you in your life right now?

Answer: One of the things that matter most in my life right now is my friends and family. My family are the ones that have taken care of me for all these 13 years. I feel bad because my mom’s religion does not allow me to have birthday parties or boyfriends. My friends are the ones that help me to survive in school.

Another thing that is important to me is cute/hot boys. I have so many crushes but I’m not allowed to go out with the boys I like.

Yeah. I’m pretty humiliated that I admitted how much boys meant to me.

You’ve gone away and it’s been awhile
Since I’ve seen your pretty smile
I’ve missed the sound of your voice
I’m deep in love and I don’t have a choice
Can you feel my beating heart?
It breaks a bit when we’re apart
I feel so cold and out of place
It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face
Come home, I miss you
Together, there’s nothing we can’t do

I don’t remember who I wrote this about or when I wrote it. I’m thinking sometime in high school. God, I was fucking annoying.

Best Friend

Your smile’s like the sun on a summer’s day
The look on your face takes my breath away
Your voice is like a song on a cool spring breeze
The sound of your laugh drops me to my knees
And I know, deep in my soul,
That I’ll never let you go.
My best friend.

I don’t even wanna think about this one… Also, I was a prude in high school, so that “drops me to my knees” line is killing me with all the dirty innuendos. Fuck. (Ahah, that one went straight to the point.)

Have You Ever on January 27, 2007

Have you ever…
Wished upon a star
And think that it’d come true?
Or sprinkled on some fairy dust
And fly from me to you?

Have you ever…
Caught a bus
When you ran away from home?
And felt so cold and scared
And wished you weren’t alone?

Have you ever…
Cried and cried
Because your mother said you’re bad?
And have a friend come by,
So you wouldn’t feel so sad?

Have you ever…
Dreamed that you were someone else,
But don’t know who you’d be?
Well, I have, so guess what?
YOU are just like ME.

That one is Anna’s personal favorite. Reading it makes me literally cringe in mortification. I wrote it my Freshman year of high school, in Study Hall (instead of studying, of course). I fucking loved rhymes. Still do, actually…

Crying Over You on September 5, 2009

baby, i know you’re unhappy. 
and maybe, something could happen. 
but you don’t, you don’t feel the same way. 

i can’t breathe whenever you’re near me. 
feelings rush through my heart. 
trying to catch my breath. 
but you don’t, you don’t feel the same way. 

and i look into your eyes, 
see me, tears falling down. 
crying, don’t know if you’re worth it, 
can’t help this feeling, 
can’t help believing, 
somebody help me now. 
i’m crying over you. 

you say we’ll be friends forever, 
i know, it’s all we’ll ever be. 
but, baby, can’t you see that i’m 
falling too hard, driving too fast, 
i’m gonna crash, 
be crushed because of you. 
tell me you love me, too. 

and i look you into your eyes, 
see me, tears falling down. 
crying, don’t know if you’re worth it, 
can’t help this feeling, 
can’t help believing, 
somebody help me now. 
i’m crying over you. 

i know you love me, 
i know things will never be the way i want, 
i know you care for me, 
i know these dreams won’t go too far, 
i know you’ll always be there til the end, 
and i’ll do the same for you. 
cause, baby, i love you, too. 
even if we’re just friends. 
i’ve stopped crying, 
i’m not lying, 
i’m over you. 
just know that i love you. 
i love you. 

I honestly didn’t even bother to read that one because I automatically assumed it would be embarrassing (it was a copy/paste, just look at that embarrassing writing style, what the fuck was I thinking?) and I kind of already want to shoot myself in the face. I don’t need anymore ammo.

What Is Love on January 13, 2007

Many people ask, “What is love?” “Is it contagious?” “Is it real?” “How do I know that I’ll find it?” Many people have also tried to answer these questions. “Love is joy.” “Love is life.” “Love will never die.” “Someone will always be waiting to love you.” But none of these answers are the truth. They are just helpful little statements to help you to feel better about yourself.

Love is a curse on us all. That’s the cold and bitter truth about it. Think about it. You spend almost your whole life searching for love. Someone to love, someone to love you. Along the way, there are hearts broken, ripped up, and stomped on. And when you think you’ve found love, it’s just a mirage. It’s not real. You just get so wrapped up in thinking that you’ve found love that you believe it. And when you realize that it’s all unreal, you’ve been kidding yourself, it’s fake, what happens? You’re nothing but a sorry loser. You become depressed. Your heart is broken. And what of your lover? They can no longer love the “new you.” You’re too depressed to love anyone anymore. In the end, everybody’s heart is broken.

So, what is love? Love is a never-ending curse on the world. You can never find love. You just think you do. And that’s when you realize, you can’t count on anyone but yourself. And, sometimes, even that lets you down.

I felt especially jaded on Halloween several years ago. This…whatever-the-fuck-it-is was the result.

Well. This stroll down memory lane has been especially disturbing. If you ever feel like your ego is inflating too quickly, I strongly suggest reading through your angsty years. The results are humbling.

On the one hand, I feel like I’ve greatly progressed (both emotionally and writing-wise) over the years. On the other hand, I feel like, five years down the line, I’m going to look back at the work I’m proud of now and scoff at myself. The Cycle of Mortification is never-ending.