So for our weekly collaboration– we went through a bunch of our old writings to find the most cringe-worthy pieces.

Ever.

It is awful and humiliating, so enjoy, you sadists.

 

EXCERPT 1:

I wrote this awful excerpt after participating in a beauty pageant in high school. It was my first and last experience with this kind of competition. Needless to say, I was the only participant out of 12 that won nothing that day.

“During the interview phase of the competition, I remember being asked who my ultimate role model was.

“Oh, you know that former prostitute in the UK. Uh… Belle du jour.”

My coach dropped dead to the floor. Teenage girls aren’t supposed to have hookers as role models.”

 I have no idea why I didn’t just lie and say Oprah. Goddammit.

 

EXCERPT 2:

“Now, I just sit at home, listening to “Teardrops on My Guitar” by Taylor swift. Tears cloud my vision, and if I had a guitar, it would be awfully ironic, but it’s funny how none leave my eyes.”

 I had recently been turned down by the “love of my life” my freshman year of high school. Besides my terrible song choice, and grammar, that is close to incomprehensible, I barely even knew the guy who stood me up.

I don’t know why I was so upset.

 

EXCERPT 3:

This is awful.

Just awful – why on earth did I write this? The angst in this is actually physically painful.

“Kevin Campbell. He wasn’t my first love, nor my second. In fact he wasn’t a love of mine at all. He was just a boy, not yet a man. He was just a friend, never anything more. He was always there, but never when I needed him most. He was my whole world, and yet nothing at the same time. Kevin. He was the one thing that I could never wrap my mind around, I don’t know why but, he was probably the only one who ever really broke my heart. He didn’t know it though, still doesn’t, but then again, neither did I. I ignored the dull ache for so long, that finally now, letting it loose, feels so good, and my creative abilities are almost tapped-pouring out in poems, and songs, and stories. Of the one boy, the only boy.”

I think I’ll just go and crawl in a corner to die now. 

Goodbye cruel world!!!

…

Okay, I’m done.

All of these, all of THIS, is getting burned in a hot, fiery-fire. Pronto.

Jeez, what the fuck was wrong with me? I have never wanted a time machine so badly. I would travel back and yell at myself,

“TAYLOR SWIFT IS TERRIBLE! Seriously, you won’t listen to her at all in the future. She is whiny and irritating – just like you! I mean, me. Whatever.”

I would then proceed to beat the shit out of my past self for being so terrible. Then I’d grab the precious diary entries and throw them in her/my face screaming, “Crawl for it bitch!”

(I’m channelling some pretty hard-core masochistic tendencies right now.)

I would then go back to my current time, where eight different versions of myself are waiting to beat the shit out of me for fucking up the space time continuum. Then we brawl it out in an epic battle to the death.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!

And…

That’s pretty much how I imagine it all going down.

Have a fabulous friday inter webs!