Oh, look at that, I’m too lazy for a new post again. So, here, take this exaggeration satire I wrote for an English class in 12th grade. I was rather proud of it. I’m strange.

Also, please keep in mind, this was written three years ago. Facebook is constantly changing their look and functions and blablahblah. And Justin Bieber got older. So, this was less weird three years ago. That’s my bottom line.

Update: Facebook

“MOM! Billy won’t get off the computer!” I screamed. “I need to check my Facebook! He’s only doing some stupid homework assignment! MOMMMMM!”

“Didn’t you just log off?” Billy grumbled. “Like, what, five minutes ago?”

“Well, yeah, but that was because Jessie told Andy who told Bobby that I was online, so I needed to get off before Bobby could tell Andy to tell Jessie to tell me to check his strawberries on Farmville,” I explained to Billy, exasperated. “Bobby is grounded and can’t get to a computer, so he’s dying to make sure his strawberries are okay. But I forgot to harvest them this morning and they’re already dead! Bobby would KILL me if he found out!”

“So why do you need to get on Facebook now? Can’t you wait for another hour?” Billy asked me in his bossiest big brother voice.

“No! I need to get online! If I don’t get online right now, Justin won’t talk to me tomorrow! We have a chat date!” I shrieked. “Hurry up, move, move, move!” I shoved my elder brother out of the way as I scrambled to the desk.

“Whatever. That English paper is not worth fighting with my annoying, irritating, CRYBABY little sister,” Billy muttered.

Finally alone at the computer, I quickly logged onto my Facebook. I had 99 notifications, but I ignored them all and rushed to my chat box. ‘707 Friends Online.’ Wow, slow night tonight. Just my luck, Andy and Jessie were offline. I scanned the names for Justin. “C’mon, c’mon where is he?” I wondered. “There!”

As soon as I clicked his name and typed a quick “hey!” I hurried to change my status. ‘Addie K. Shun is on a date with Justin Bieber!’ My friends will be so jealous! But as soon as my new status popped up on my News Feed, I saw my picture. “Ew!” I thought. “That picture is so this morning!” I needed to take a new profile pic and fast! I grabbed my mom’s camera and started snapping away.

Five minutes later, I uploaded my 74 photos to a new album. I could’ve added them to this morning’s album, but that album was already almost full with 198 photos. Now, I had to choose a profile pic. The problem was, they were all so different. About twenty pictures had me sporting a peace sign, another twenty with a heart-shape hand motion, and the rest displayed my ‘flirty look’; head cocked to the side, lips pursed, eyes wide and innocent, hand running through my hair. I just couldn’t decide which photo to choose. For now, I chose photo #36; my hands were shaped in a heart, placed next to my chest. Very flirty and very eye-catching. I knew Justin would like it.

That reminded me; Justin hadn’t replied to my heartfelt greeting yet, so I typed up a “brb” and headed over to my search box. The keys click-clacked on the keyboard as my fingers stroked the letters forming “Justin Bieber.” Quite a few fan pages popped up. I skimmed the pages quickly. “Chat dates with Justin Biebber,” “I LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER,” “Justin Bieber isn’t responding on my chat date with him but he still loves me,” “Justin Bieber is NOT a girl!” “Justin Bieber is taking over Facebook”; the pages just went on and on. In the next two minutes, I had clicked “Become a fan” of every single one; there were no fan pages left.

I went to my News Feed and saw that every page I had become a fan of was posted. Maybe Justin would see it. I checked my chat box; still nothing. He hadn’t responded. “Well, maybe he’s just busy right now and isn’t actually at the computer,” I thought to myself. “Yeah, that’s it. Why else wouldn’t he reply?” My status had been the same for about 10 minutes now. I guess it was time to change it. ‘Addie K. Shun is breathing.’ That should change someone’s life. It was very enlightening, if I do say so myself.

After checking my 302 notifications, I checked my friend requests. “Too Young is asking to be your friend,” “Psycho Stalker is asking to be your friend,” “Pedo File is asking to be your friend.” Because I had just over 5,000 friends, I added them too. After all, Jessie had 8,394 friends and she wasn’t even on a chat date with Justin Bieber. I had some major catching up to do.

Justin still hadn’t replied to my chats. He was a busy person. I’d just talk to some other people while I waited. ‘1012 Friends Online.’ Going down the list of names, I came across ‘Riley Hott.’ He was the hottest boy at school. “Ohmigosh,” I thought. “What if he sees that I’ve been online for the past twelve minutes? He’ll think I have no life!” I hurriedly logged off of my Facebook. “Whew. That was close!” I thought.

Two minutes later, I was logged on again. I went back to my search box and typed, “Justin Bieber is lame.” Again, I joined every fan page. “That’s what he gets for not replying to my messages,” I frowned. Now that I no longer liked Justin, I was at a loss for what to do.

I dawdled through harvesting crops on Farmville, cooking spectacular dishes in Café World, and cleaning my flying puppy in AdventureLand. Bored, I logged off again.

A minute later, I logged on. Life outside of Facebook was just too boring. I changed my status. ‘Addie K. Shun is bored.’ “Okay, that’s a bit too depressing,” I thought. ‘Addie K. Shun is blinking.’ “There. Much better,” I amended.

“Addie!” my mother called. “Time for dinner!”

“But MOM! I’m still on Facebook!” I yelled back.

“Addie Shun, you are not a grown woman,” my mother said as she walked purposefully into the room. “You are nine years old. You will be at that dinner table in two minutes or else.”

“Fine,” I mumbled. “Well, I still have two minutes,” I reasoned. I loitered around my News Feed.

Ten minutes later, my mother walked back into the room.

“That’s it,” she said. “You’re grounded.”

“What?! NO!” I shouted. “I can’t be grounded!”

“You can be and you are,” she replied. “No Facebook for a week.”

Stunned, I sat there and cried. My life had just ended. All for some stupid meatloaf. I cried some more.